This past weekend my wife's newphews were in town. While looking for age appropriate movies to watch as a group, my wife came across this jacked up tale called "Labyrinth".

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Labyrinth_(film)

After roughly 37 secs, the phrase "What the fuck is this shit" went through my brain. Has anyone ever seen this movie? It's a collaboration between George Lucas and Jim Henson, you know... the guy who sticks his hand up Kermet the Frog's ass. Let me say upfront that I HATE wizards, puppets, make believe, goblins, the movie Willow, and any lame shit that is associated with that genre. I just don't understand how others can find pleasure in watching that total crap. To top if off, the movie centers around David Bowe, who seems to be wearing a fern atop of his head. Pictured below. The pants he was wearing in the movie created a male camel toe. One would guess that there is a name for this look, but it escapes me now. If anyone knows what the term is I would appreciate. For now I'll call it the "nut spliter".

After an extended period of time, My Idiot Wind is being resurrected. Below I have put an email that I wrote to a small quasi competitor of ours called SafariMicro that a coworker lost a deal to. I pretended to be a rep from Lenovo, formally IBM PCs, and that I wanted the owener of the company...named Erol... to send me his best sales rep.

From: lenovorep@hotmail.com
To: sales@safarimicro.com
Subject: Lenovo: Let's make

Dear Erol Mustafa, I am a Lenovo rep in the greater Chicago area. Your website impressed me to highest levels. I would like to discuss major transactions with you finest sales rep. This rep must know the Lenovo platform in and out. Here is the their first test question: What does the "X" stand for in X61? The answer...Extreme. I hope they got it correct. If not, there will be more for your rep to prove his or her worth. All the partners here in Chicago have failed me time and time again. All they care about is the customer. Please book a flight on the first plane to Chicago with the finest Safarimicro has to offer. I will be waiting with a sign at the airport that reads: "Mustafa's Disciple". We will travel to a hotel that has only the most luxurious room and I will shower him or her with praise and free drinks. On Monday I will display the sales skills of your disciple to my customers...all of which will I assume will buy 1000 units of the latest Lenovo technology. Prepare this person for riches only available to rich people. Please be prepared to handle a volume of sales unseen by Safarimicro before. I look forward to your response. Long Live Lenovo!

If gutters could mate with trash bins their offspring would be bike messengers. I recently had the wonderful experience of having a biker messenger run a red light right in front of me and than after I honked my horn he flipped me "the bird". I asked myself, why would someone in the wrong feel the need to make it seem as if it was my fault? I'll tell you why, cause they are the scum of the earth. On a daily basis bike messagner weave in and out of traffic with no regard for the safety of others around them. (Not to mention their desregard for the paint on the hood of my bad-ass Mercury Sable. ) Is it wrong that I wish I would have hurt this fellow the other day? That maybe my car would have caught his back tire sending him and his "contracts" flying? Is that wrong of me to want to turn my car around and follow after him, only to throw pennies at him as he peddals toward a worthless future?

Now I know bike messagners, and bike riders in general have it rough in a big city. I know this because I have a bike and love riding it, but I obey the rules of the road. Red light means stop. One way streets are for a reason. If you don't do it in your car, don't do it on a bike.

Another reason I don't like them is that they make the elavator in my building smell like a hockey locker room. Take the stairs, Mr. Schwin! You obvisouly like to exercise!

To all bike messengers out there ITT Tech is a great alternative. Look into it.

Next week: Why I hate the internal cumbustion engine.

If you had a person's body sticking through the front windshield of your car how long would it take for you to notice? Well, if you are a 98 year old Florida man the answer is roughly three miles. So it seems another American prune face has proven to the whole country once again when people get older than then most trees they shouldn't be driving. The article I read today stated that this old guy hit another person who became lodged in his windshield only to be noticed by a toll booth attendant. The driver claims that he had no recollection of the accident, yet there was a body sticking from the front of his ride.

Someone that knows this man said ''That was the one thing he had, to get in his car and just drive for the sheer enjoyment of driving." I guess that is how you feel about driving if you grew up in the era of when you had to crank start your car and it only went 3 mph. I bet he said, "Oh, man I can't wait to get behind the wheel of that crazy four wheeled rocket ship and drive around town."

This reminds me a lot of the time I had a pencil get stuck in my eye and I didn't know it for an hour. I guess I must have just forgotten about the pencil a split second after it happend. I went into a grocery store and the clerk said, "Hey sir, do you know you have a Dixon Ticonderoga #2 sticking out of your right eye?" I said, "Son, have you been huffing the Redi-Whip again?" Which was followed from him with a, "Sure have Mister! But boy, do I like the way you rock that DT #2"

Old people like him suck and shouldn't have licenses. Put them in homes, tie them in chairs, and pay them 10 cents a day to make carmel popcorn for the world.

Next week: George Bush realizes that Fox News is lodged in his ass.

Saturday is my 27th birthday and for nearly all of those years I have hated really only one “class” of people: white trash. However, for the past year and a half now I have begun to find a new target for my sarcastic and satirical jokes and that group is: Religious zealots. Now I know what you are going to say, “Shane a majority of uber-religious freaks are white trash by default”. I know this to be true, but there are many zealots that may live wonderful suburban lives or have successful jobs while in their spare time devote their lives to hating others.

Over the past year Starbucks has created a campaign that places notable quotes on their cups. These quotes are designed to make people think and maybe look at things in a new light. Recently there was a quote by a famous gay author that read:

"I surrendered my youth to the people I feared when I could have been out there loving someone. Don't make that mistake yourself. Life's too damn short."

Gay hate groups have planned to boycott Starbucks and insist their members confront the store manager. To me this isn’t a very “gay” quote. It can apply to many facets of life and sexual orientation is only one of them. Gay hate groups spend hours upon hours of their personal (and surely work) time in finding ways to hide hate as an expression of God. They disguise their hate with cute Christian names such as, Concerned Women for America, Christians for Liberty, and American Family Association. They make people think that they are doing good work for America and that every family should ban together and save the “institution”.

These same groups even tried to boycott P&G for its support of the repeal of an anti-gay law in Cincinnati and Ford for supporting the “gay games” Who cares if a bunch of queers want to get together and see how far they can throw 36 inch dildos?

Aren’t there more pressing issues in the United States then whether of not Starbuck’s puts a questionable quote on its cups? The last I heard the poverty level in the US rose to an all-time high. How does that take a back seat when it comes to activism?

I think John McCain said it best when he stated, “the second greatest threat to the United States next to terrorists are the extreme religious right”

Please see: http://www.365gay.com/newscon05/09/092005coffee.htm for more on the story.

Weddings provide for such great conversation, as long as, something goes bad. My girlfriend's parents went to a wedding recently that is topped by one other wedding story to date. Here is what happened. The brides parents couldn't afford to pay for the wedding so the groom's parents offer to switch roles with the request that her parents take care of the bar. Easy enough right? Her parents also requested no assigned seating at the reception because that was "too formal for her family". Upon the arrival of all the quests the grooms parents realized that a lot of people who RSVPed that they weren't coming showed up. Most of them where from her side and were wearing jeans, tennis shoes, and baseball hats. So about 75 people extra arrived leaving many actual registered quests with no seat. To make matters worse the brides parents who were supposed to handle the bar ended up making it a cash bar.

All day after hearing that story I kept thinking about what I would do if I were the groom or a groomsmen. The image of me escorting the white-trash extra guests out the front door kept going over and over in my mind. Not to mention the ass-reaming of my new inlaws that would take place behind closed doors. If I was the bride I would have been so embarassed.

Also, unless you have absolutely no money who has a cash bar wedding. Fucking terrible! If I wanted to pay for drinks I would be at a bar, not your scum bag wedding telling Jose he better not skimp on the bourbon. I can think of about one situation where I would go to a wedding that didn't serve alcochol, let alone free alcohol. This would have to be a close relative like a first cousin or greater. Anything else is out. Here is how the RSVP back would look:


0 Will Attend....

Your lame-ass Mormon inspired wedding(hand written)

There is something to be said about looking decent at a wedding. If you don't own a jacket, borrow one. If you don't own a nice pair of shoes, get some. Be respectful of the situation you are in. You are not going to some high school graduation party.

Next week..The story of how I strangled a person who wore a Metallica shirt to my grandfathers funeral.

So now that it is apparent Karl Rove leaked information to the press about a CIA agent for political gain what will happen to Bush's beloved mastermind? Bush has said that he would fire anyone found to be involved in the leak. Will our bucking bronco keep his promise? It seems to me that the President is stuck between a rock and a hardplace, or as he likes to say: "between gays and atheists" So is this act a crime? Well God certainly wouldn't have liked it. However, God doesn't like gays, but they are still around and dancing with full frontal nudity at Pride parades. I am so confused by this "moral person's" act of holy defiance.

Maybe he did this in hopes of going to jail and trying to stop gay sex from happening in prison. Wait a second, I think this is it. I think I am on to something. What is the only area of the world where gay sex is widely accepted as a perfectly natural act? Prison! I bet Karl's brain was going a million miles an hour when this idea popped into his turd-filled head. It probably happened sometime between his daily jerk off to a Nancy Reagan picture and a sponge-bath.

Although his plan to rid prisons of gay sex seems so logical there is one flaw. Prison dudes are tough and are going to pound that fat hillbilly's ass into a pulp. I bet it ends up resembling the puffy red ass of those small monkeys...You know which ones I am talking about.

Will God fearing American's still love him even after he gets his daily ass-waxing from "Razor Blade" and "Mr. Bleed"? Maybe they will after he reveals his grand scheme. After all what could get bigoted Americans to believe in him again after he exposed a CIA agent and betrayed this great country......some good old fashioned gay hate.

Next posting...Bush time travels back to Mississippi circa 1964 to get Rove's replacement.

NPR can be so provocative in the mornings, and yesterday was no different. In between coverage of the New York's Times new table in their mailroom and the story of a Florida man who beat the flu the week before, came a short piece that shocked me - scientist just figured out how ice melts. The first thing I did was to rub my eyes and open them again just to make sure I wasn't riding in a horse drawn carriage and was wearing a powdered white wig. Isn't this 2005? Human kind can cure terrible illness and clone other mammals, but we just figured out how ice melts? Shane P, software salesperson, can tell you how ice melts. Its temperature gets above 32 degrees and solid turns to liquid! Guess how long it took me to figured that out? About as long as it takes modern day housewife to pop a vicodin.

I thought to myself, if a simple physics law like this just got solved, there has to be so many other "life's little questions" that need answered. My idea came to me while on my fifth diet coke of the day. What is the one question that has plagued humankind for the past 30 years? How the hell do you put dirty dishes into the dishwasher and they come out clean?! At least three times a week you can hear a rousing "Fuckin'-A" come from my tiny Chicago kitchen as I open up that magic box of mystery to reveal spotless dishes. While just 45 minutes before my hand-me-down plates were covered in Thai carry-out and dried ketchup.

At first glance I thought the rotating water spraying system was to thank for the cleaning, but upon further investigation I found there is more then meets the eye. I looked in the back corner of my dishwasher and there was tiny insignia that read "Product of L. Ron Hubbard". I looked to the sky and thought, "Holy Shit, Scientology is responsible for removing the solidified ketchup from my plate" Who would have known that Hubbard had his cult members strategically stationed in every dishwasher factory in the world. After digging a little further I learned they do a special chant over every machine before it is boxed up. Although Tom Cruise was unavailable for comment, I am sure there is a smile on his face with every Kenmore commercial he sees on his 10,000 inch plasma TV.

Next mystery to be solved.......How Bic gets ink to come out of a pen.